The Voyage (Part 2) - The Layover to Rule All Other Layovers

EDITOR PRE-WARNING: This blog is extremely boring. Nobody wants to read about a layover. The only reason “Up in the Air” did so well was because of George Clooney and Anna Kendrick. Sorry to say husband, you are neither.

Having spent a considerable amount of time flying from one destination to another, due in part to a career that required it, and a lifestyle that desired it, there are several aspects of traveling in a giant tin can that I have come to appreciate over the years:

• An open middle seat - Because who doesn’t love sitting 5 inches away from a complete stranger, who struggles to breath at a decibel volume lower than that of the plane’s engines?
• Entertainment systems - Sure I’ll watch the Devil Wears Prada again. That Anne Hathaway just kills it.
• Direct flights - It makes sense to land where you want to land. Not 1,400 miles out of the way in Orlando.

And while the above facets of travel make it that much more of a digestible experience, there are also a number of undesirable features of airborne journeys, that can turn a relatively simple expedition into a painful test of one’s mental fortitude:
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• An occupied middle seat – Made especially worse when literally the last person boarding the plane decides that of the 32 open middle seats, the one in your direct vicinity is most desirable (I guess this comes with the territory of being an “undersized” human / sought-after row companion).
• Non-functional entertainment system – I guess I’ll just focus on my neighbors breathing for the next 3 ½ hours.
• Layovers. Long, ass, layovers – How many times can I refresh my Instagram feed before I realize my brain is no longer able to process communication in non-meme form? Oh well, I guess I’ll continue down the endless rabbit hole of common misconceptions. 

With the last characteristic representing the most notable in our journey to South Africa (layovers, not common misconceptions), a difficult decision was required when our flight options were presented before us:

• Option #1 - $1,500/person, 15-hour direct flight (Expensive, sanity kept relatively intact)
• Option #2 - $400/person, 14-hour flight, followed by 9-hour layover, followed by 9-hour flight (Cheap, sanity up for grabs)

For those who know me best (or even partially), the decision was not even a decision. What better way to save some money AND have the potential for some more blog-worthy material? All at the expense of our mental well-being?!

Now, little did we know at the time, but our “Option #2” flight routed us through the recently-declared #1 Airport in the World – Hamad International Airport in Doha, Qatar. A $17 billion glorified shopping mall, known throughout the travel industry as the only airport for which an extended layover does not involve an utterly insufferable experience. And how did the Qatari manage such a feat?

• Cleanliness – I can only imagine that of the $17 billion invested in the development of this travel oasis, $1 billion of that was spent on procuring a lifetime supply of Windex, used to wipe and clean every nook and cranny of the entire airport at all hours of the day. Shockingly, HIA (for you acronym junkies) was recently awarded most “COVID-friendly” airport in the world. And to think, I’ve been trying to keep myself healthy by injecting Purell into my bloodstream and eating anti-parasitic pills intended for farm animals!

 

• Silence – As in, no overhead airport announcements. Like, literally, none. But you may be asking yourself, how do I possibly know whether or not I should leave my luggage unattended? Or how do I manage the situation whereby a stranger hands me their bag to take on my flight? How can I ever handle such precarious circumstances without a booming voice attempting to guide me through the process every 2-3 minutes?!

 

• Lamp Bear – The 23-foot tall centerpiece of Hamad International Airport is a 20 ton, cast bronze, teddy bear. Yes, teddy bear. Purchased at auction for a mere $6.8 million, the “piece” was described during bidding as “brightly celebrates the objects that define a young child’s life.” And to be perfectly honest, I don’t remember every aspect of childhood, but I’m pretty sure a 2 ½ story teddy bear wasn’t hidden in our basement.
  • “Fun” Fact – Two OTHER replicas currently exist. One located on the lawn of an entrepreneur in Montauk, NY (his neighbors must love him). And the other, a blue version residing at Brown University (oh the irony).

 

• Rest Areas – While most airports provide travelers with the option of attempting to sleep in a  semi-reclined chair that offers the opportunity to have some part of your body go numb after 15-20 minutes, HIA actually offers several very affordable, and, unaffordable ways to sleep away your time in Qatar:
  • Quiet Rooms – A gender-divided room that allows for lounging with those closest to your chromosomal make-up. A win for Mother Julie, a loss for Dad & two sons.
  • Sleep N Fly “Sleep Pods” – For around $25/hour, travelers can slumber away on a queen bed, in a windowless room, the size of a queen bed. Claustrophobics need not apply.
  • Oryx Hotel – For less than $400/night, the more decadent individual can enjoy their layover in a 4-star hotel, complete with gym, full-service spa, heated pool and of course for those who are somehow craving a game of squash after a sleepless overnight flight, a court to fulfill your every waking dream.
  • Lounges, Lounges and even more Lounges – For when all other options fail, you can always book yourself a spot at one of 9 luxurious lounges throughout HIA. Our eventual pick, the Al Mourjan Business Lounge, encompassed 2 ½ acres of real estate, filled only be the air of smugness of those who grace its presence. But in addition, there are also multiple restaurants, a massive reflection pond, a gaming room, play areas and even personal “family rooms” which seem to be designated solely for “toddler meltdowns.” Oh so relaxing.

 

• Playgrounds – And finally, a feature that is almost non-existent in the US world of airports, we quickly came to appreciate these well-placed play structures as a means of passing time, and of course running the kids into an utter state of exhaustion. And while your mini DNA-carriers drain the last of their energy reserves, you can spend your time browsing from an intricate array of floral arrangements at Chick Floral, the official florist of Not Another Damn Travel Blog, and winner of our 1st “comment of the post” award. Congratulations Colleen, well deserved! Let the competition continue!

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And now, with this post surpassing 1,500 words in length (?!?), it is probably best to quickly wrap-up, and provide some visual evidence of HIA’s amazingness:

Onto the pics (inclusive of pre and post-layover experiences):

EDITORS POST-WARNING: Told you so

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