Thanksgiving in South Africa – Where My Turkeys Be At?

AUTHORS NOTE – Yes, we are aware. Yes, it’s not ideal. No, we are not panicking. Gonna give science a chance to do its thing, before we lock ourselves in a Lysol-filled bubble for the next 2 months. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. Stupid pandemic.

Earlier in the week, I began to methodically prepare an in-depth blog post, covering the historical aspects of colonialism in South Africa, as to provide a contrasting viewpoint of what the equivalent of Thanksgiving would be here at the southern tip of the African continent. I had a variety of resources at my discretion, and merely had to piece everything together. It was to be one of my finest pieces of blogging yet (i.e., the “Mona List” of blog posts, if only 35 people visited the Mona Lisa per week, and 23 of those people had the last name of da Vinci). And then, well, something happened. It started as a “page 6” article on iol.co.za, detailing a “potential COVID-19 variant.” A heavily mutated offshoot that had less than a handful of cases at the time. Something to be aware of, but no cause yet for alarm.

Less than a week later, and the world has essentially declared South Africa the epicenter of the future apocalypse. Needless to say, it’s been a sh*tty week here.   

And while I was tempted to dedicate a post solely to the hypocrisy of the United Kingdom, a nation that single-handedly keeps the South African tourism industry alive, yet also kickstarted a worldwide travel ban on South Africa. Even though the UK has NO COVID restrictions in place and over 45K cases per day. While South Africa still follows the “Fauci Playbook” and is only at 3K cases per day. And well, let’s just see how this plays out. I understand, I agree, I don’t agree, it’s confusing times we live in. Thanks, Obama.

Anyhow, back to a partially-abbreviated summary of our Thanksgiving here in South Africa:
​
The Event:

• Location = Our home – Large enough for a family of 4, not really for 8
• Guests = My old flatmate and his family, officially partaking in what will soon be a once-every-14-year Thanksgiving tradition. See y’all in 2035!
• Turkey Day Traditions Explored Abroad:
  • Going around in a circle declaring what we are thankful for (unfortunately most letters on the Greek alphabet did not make the list)
  • Watching this video (I am Mark, a Caucasian male of shorter stature, with no discernable hair on my head. I am wearing a t-shirt and cargo shorts, which I may add, are very convenient for all my pocket-needing accessories).
  • Debating politics in our favorite red hats

The Menu:

• Turkey:
  • A Brief Background - With the last turkey farmer in South Africa shutting down operations in 2013, it is no easy feat attempting to find your tryptophan fix here. And although South Africa imports ~1,000 turkeys per year (most of which are dedicated to Christmas dinner), that pales in comparison to the over 224 million turkeys “produced” in the United States last year alone. USA! USA! USA!
  • Where Did We Find It – Grocery store #6 (Checkers) for the win! Stocking an assortment of frozen turkeys, including our future 7.8 lb gobble gobbler.
  • The Recipe – 1 turkey + an assload of butter = A mouth-watering version of my dad’s worst nightmare
  • Rating - 8/10 – Tasty but not too picturesque. The “pull-apart-by-hand” method of carving, due to no suitable knife, really pulled the dish together and gave it that personal “touch.” #punwin

 

• Sweet Potato Mash:
  • A Brief Background - Growing in popularity due to a very prevalent “healthy eating movement” here in South Africa, sweet potatoes are pretty similar in South Africa to those in the States. With the noted exception that they are white, and not red. Taste the same, but don’t look the same. Delicious, yet confusing. It’s like that “mystery” Starburst back in the day, that you always knew was going to be “orange,” no matter how much you hoped it was actually “watermelon.” It’s kinda like that.
  • The Recipe – Sweet potatoes + butter + sour cream + green onion + parsley = Parsley? OK, I will put my faith in the random person who posts recipes online for a living.
  • Rating - 7/10 - Should have paid attention to all those reviews calling for the removal of parsley. It owned the dish. Like Eugene Levy’s eyebrows in any given performance.

 

• Gravy:
  • A Brief Background – In the inevitable event that your ovens temperature gauge is not very accurate, and you dry out your turkey, this “cure all” moistens it back to life.
  • The Recipe – Chicken Broth + Seasonings + All-Purpose Flour = Delicious, unless you can’t find any all-purpose flour and have to substitute with whatever-the-hell-semolina-is. In which case, delicious, yet “textured.” Again, eating here is confusing sometimes.
  • Rating - 7/10 – Mmmmmm… crunchy….

 

• Salad
  • A Brief Background – The least popular menu item for Thanksgiving dinner, but the one that must be included to help limit the “food binge guilt” later that evening
  • The Recipe – As “pre-made salad mixes” have not made their way to South Africa yet, we actually had to buy separate ingredients and mix them all together. Like back in the days of our ancestors (i.e., pre-2009). Just insanity I tell you.
  • Rating – 9/10 – The salad of all salads

 

• Cranberry Sauce – Not a thing here. Next. NA/10.

 

• Desert – Cadbury Top Deck. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you haven’t lived life. 11/10.

Some Fun Facts:

• Turkey Baking History - The last time I baked a turkey was in 2007. In South Africa. Which means in the last 14 years, I have hosted two Thanksgiving dinners. Neither of which took place in the country where Thanksgiving is actually celebrated. I’m like a missionary of glutenous holidays.
• Gas Stoves - Many homes in South Africa do not have a central gas line. And thus, gas-fueled appliances (i.e., stovetop, oven) are connected to a portable propane tank. Which typically have no gauge to determine whether they are full, or almost empty. So, one meal, every 4-6 weeks, is ruined due to unlucky timing (RIP mid-October chicken stir-fry). Thankfully, this meal was not one of those times.
• The Detroit Lions – Thanks to an exponential improvement in internet speed in South Africa, we were actually able to live-stream every Michiganders favorite Thanksgiving tradition - Watching the Lions lose in last-second / heartbreaking fashion.

So, there you have it. Thanksgiving in South Africa. Pretty similar to the US version (or Canadian if you really want to be nit-picky). With the noted exception that it occurs in late spring, nobody celebrates it, and you are more likely to find a surplus of turkeys at your local grocery store than UofM is to beat OSU in football this... oh wait a second!!
​
Onto the pics: