Namibia Roadtrip (3 of 3) - Getting our Safari on at Etosha National Park

The final leg, of what would end up being, a 2,500KM ultimate-test-of-parental-love road trip, took us to the safari mecca of Namibia – Etosha National Park.

Located in the northern part of Namibia, spanning over 8,600 square miles of sun-scorched land, Etosha is one of the more unique game reserves on the continent of Africa. While it hosts an impressive array of species (114 mammal species, 340 bird species, 110 reptile species, 16 amphibian species and 1 oh-so-lonely species of Sharptoothed Catfish), what sets Etosha apart from other safari destinations on this great continent, is the manner in which one “observes” said animals (and fish, of course).

Now, before dissecting that notion, I think it’s important to establish the foundation for what constitutes an “African Safari.” With various depictions spanning pop culture over the years (Ace Ventura obviously being the most realistic), the bare bone elements are always the same: Some form of transportation, a search for animals that typically do not reside in your suburban neighborhood, and of course a 72-pocket khaki shirt that undoubtedly had its tag removed the morning of.

With these elements combined, the available options are essentially unlimited (and by unlimited, I mean entirely limited based on what % of your life savings you are willing to dedicate to this endeavor). And with that, I present you the official Not Another Damn Travel Blog Guide to Safaris:

• The “Self-Drive” Safari (~$150/day/person):
  • Accommodation:
    • Bare-boned cabin w/multiple single beds scattered about
    • Bathroom equipped with toilet capable of handling 5 sheets of toilet paper (all of which replicate the texture of 220 grit sandpaper), and a shower that doesn’t understand the concept of water pressure
    • “Self-catering kitchen” equipped with a fridge the size of 1 ½ quarts of milk, a couple spare packets of insta-coffee (minus a coffee maker, of course) and absolutely no utensils aside from a spare fork someone left behind 3 years ago
    • Screened-in-windows with multiple mosquito-sized holes throughout
    • Picnic bench (albeit a fairly well-constructed picnic bench)
  • Meals – Either a self-prepared braai (i.e., BBQ) with those utensils you forgot to pack (if of course you are able to channel your inner Cast Away and light the rest camp-supplied wood that has been sitting in a pool of shallow water for the last 90 days). OR… a meal at the nearby “restaurant,” which will undoubtedly bring you back to the days of your middle school cafeteria (mmmm sauceless pizza with mystery cheese).
  • Safari Vehicle - Hertz-rented Toyota Corolla w/missing spare tire. Guaranteed to bottom-out at least once a day.
  • Animal Viewing Experience – For the most part, hours upon hours spent driving past trees, bushes and the occasional bush-that-looks-like-something-that-isn’t-a-bush. And when you actually do encounter a non-plant-like animal, it is done so either entirely by luck, or after having noticed a pack of 15 other cars stopped on the road, and thus whisked over to enjoy the safari-version of sloppy seconds.
  • Authenticity Rating = 10/10 – The ultimate game of hide and seek
  • Instagram Rating = 5/10 – You aren’t gonna capture any National Geographic shots here, but a lion is a lion at the end of the day

 

• The “Self-Drive PLUS” Safari (~$250/day/person):
  • Accommodation - Exact same bare-boned cabin as above. Except this time, you have a “view” (i.e. your site is on the edge of the rest camp, now providing you the opportunity to see an animal wander by, at least ½ mile away, every 5-6 hours). Unfortunately, this comes with the sacrifice of no longer being able to walk to the buffet-style restaurant, as well as a lack of sleep due to a nearby hippo testing out its vocal cords from 11PM – 4AM.
  • Meals – Again, same as above. Although now you are baller enough to fork over an extra $12.50 for desert (aka grocery store brand vanilla ice cream that has been thawed/refrozen every night, for the last 12 nights).
  • Safari Vehicle – Hertz-rented Toyota Rav-4 – You are on your way to that “authentic” safari vehicle feel. Yet are still unfortunately closer on the spectrum to a high school senior driving his mom’s hand-me-down.
  • Animal Viewing Experience – Very similar to the above, except now you are 10” higher off the ground and have a much better vantage point of all the trees & bushes within your vicinity.
  • Authenticity Rating = 10/10 – Those animals are still hiding, and you are still a seeking
  • Instagram Rating = 4/10 - You lose a point for the lack of “I’m on safari in a Corolla” shock factor

 

• The “Glamping” Safari (~$500/day/person)
  • Accommodation – “Luxurious canvas tent set deep within the Africa bush” aka we took everything out of the bare-bones cabin, and then put it in a tent that hasn’t moved for the last 18 years. Oh yeah, there’s also a mosquito net just to up the “authenticity factor." Hot showers are also surprisingly available, but typically involve a well-mannered “helper” pouring hot water over your head for the course of your cleaning.
  • Meals – Prepared by your group’s “personal chef” who also functions as your groups tent setter-upper, mechanic and emergency physician. Food itself is edible, and typically fosters a post-meal response of “that actually wasn’t that bad!”
  • Safari Vehicle – “Safari Bus” (i.e., re-commissioned army vehicle) packed with you, your family, and 18 other people who all seem to speak German
  • Animal Viewing Experience – There is absolutely no “aimless driving,” as somehow your guide, who coincidentally works on tips, is able to find every single animal in the park (more on this later). Unfortunately, there are already 4-5 other open-air Land Cruisers who arrived earlier, blocking your view. But man, the 1/4th of that Lion you’ve been staring at for the last 30 minutes is still pretty exciting!
  • Authenticity Rating = 3/10 – “It’s like we didn’t even have to search for them at all!”
  • Instagram Rating = 7/10 - The mosquito net really sells the experience

 

• The “Spare No Expense” Safari (~$1,500/day/person)
  • Accommodation – Similar to the tent above, except now the zipper is fully-functional, and all the décor has been personally hand-picked by Joanna Gaines. Most tents are large enough to comfortably fit a king-sized bed, pullout couch, and a personal masseuse table when those long safari drives become too demanding on your arthritic joints. Over-the-top is typically an understatement when you enter this realm.
  • Meals – Michelin-star meal comprised of ingredients that aren’t even sourced on the African continent. Except the mango. There is always mango.
  • Safari Vehicle – Open-air Land Cruiser equipped with a specialty "pop-up" roof, custom-fitted for a Cheetah to stand on (the ultimate safari photo op!). And of course, seats that cascade up stadium-style, so every view is the best view. There is also a fully functional air-conditioner, despite the fact that there are no windows, or really doors to speak of. And finally, your driver is also sporting a nice rifle, which he will be more than willing to discuss in regard to its last usage to save a “over-curious” tourist.
  • Animal Viewing Experience – Again, your guide seems to have GPS-specific knowledge of every animal in the park. This of course, is to thanks to the scout that was sent out at 3AM with a walkie talkie. And a backpack full of raw meat to “conveniently” leave behind for curious predators to discover… right around the time you show up in the morning! How about that for coincidence?! Oh, and I forgot to mention, you are in a completely different game reserve, this time denoted “private.” Cause let’s be honest, who wants a bunch of peasants and middle-class beggars ruining your Met Gala-esque experience??
  • Authenticity Rating = 1/10 – “The 5-minute drive to see a leopard in a tree was very tiresome. Tomorrow, I would prefer a 4-minute drive. And champagne to celebrate our difficult voyage”
  • Instagram Rating = 11/10 – Pretty much an influencer at this point

Thus, as you can see, the variations on your standard African safari are as unlimited as the green-backed dollars on which they thrive. For Etosha, however, almost all these income-based alternatives are tossed out the window (if of course your vehicle has any), as the tried-and-tested “drive around and search for anything” experience is replaced by an entirely new phenomenon – “don’t go anywhere and see everything.”

You see, as Etosha is in the desert, and produces almost no rainfall for over ½ the year, almost all animals residing in the park have one goal, and one goal only – find water. And since there are only 45 backyard-pool-sized watering holes in the park, situating yourself at one for most of the day is a means to see any and every animal of your desire. Lion looking to quench his thirst after an early-morning kill, check. Zebra who has been standing in the sun for 4 hours waiting for said lion to leave, check. Elephant who gives two shits and just walks right into the middle of the watering hole to help “flavor” the water, check, check and check.

As life here is essentially one never-ending walk from one watering hole to the next, the photo opportunities are endless, and the aimless drives, are aimless-less.
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Onto the pics:

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