Tahiti: A Little Slice of Rough Draft Paradise

As the largest island of the 100+ that comprise French Polynesia (apparently the powers that be are unable to agree on the exact definition of what comprises a piece of land surrounded by water), Tahiti is the introductory destination for those looking to explore this Pacific slice of paradise. Playing host to the only international airport in a radius spanning over 700 miles, foreign visitors are left with limited options when selecting their arrival airstrip of choice.

Now, in any other part of the world, being “forced” to fly into an airport, which happens to reside on a remote island paradise, would seem like a non-issue. Or even, if I dare be so bold, a very pleasant pleasantry. However, in French Polynesia, where the term “paradise” spans a multitude of varying degrees, the one encompassed by Tahiti appears to have earned the lowest rung on the ladder. So much so, our initial destination, and subject matter for this blog post, is viewed by many (i.e. “the internet peoples”), as a place to “fly in, and then fly the f*ck out.”

Challenge accepted.

Now, whether attempting to prove the naysayers mistaken, or more realistically, catch-up on some much-needed, child-free sleep (did we mention the kids did not accompany us?), our 36 hours in Tahiti were devoted to exploring this lush, green and hopefully-dormant-for-at-least-another-week, volcano. Attempting to find beauty and wonder, where others have only seen lost potential and disappointment (i.e. ala my junior varsity tennis career).

Which brings me to the heart of this post, and the question that demands an adequate answer: Why is a place, which is more awe-inspiring than 99% of the world, considered so unappealing to all which travel within its borders? Why is a destination, so secluded from the world, considered nothing more than a locale in which to spend a glorified layover? Well, dear readers, the answer of course, is the Henry Cavill Effect.

I present you -- Exhibit 1: Henry Cavill & Brothers – An image depicting the infamous jawline of Henry Cavill, alongside his equally-but-really-not-even-close-to-as-chiseled 4 older brothers. Brothers, who on their own, would each be considered a “fine & acceptable human specimen.” However, when compared to their Superman-playing counterpart, are essentially, this guy. Apparently, 5th times the charm!

And that, oh loyal blog followers, is Tahiti. Henry Cavill’s brother. Maybe not the one on the far right, but definitely one of the two on either side of him. I will defer to you, the reader, for which seems most Tahiti-esque.

Now, despite suffering from a failed transference of geological DNA, we still felt it prudent to try prove the internet wrong, and spend 1 day / 2 nights exploring this remote destination, in hopes of finding a hidden pearl within the appropriately analogous, unsightly oyster (shout out Thesaurus for helping to provide assistance on over 95% of this paragraph -- you are the unsung hero of these blog posts!)

Onto the highlights:

Papeete Market – As the largest “place of commerce” in the French Polynesian chain of islands, the Papeete Market was a unique view into the economic impact of a destination that requires the import of, well, just about everything. With the notable exception of pearls, home-made ukuleles, floral-designed fabrics galore, and of course, local fruits & vegetables (tiny bananas for the win!), the majority of what comprises Tahiti has to come from, well, literally anywhere else. And anywhere else is far as sh*t away. Like, really really far as sh*t away. Thus, creating a mark-up % on goods that fluctuates between whatever-we-want and yup-still-whatever-we-want. Hello 1%ers. Goodbye backpackers.
 
Driving Tour – When making our decision to ignore the wise wisdom of the trusty internet, and have a go at staying on Tahiti for longer than "til-the-next-flight-out," we decided the best way to explore the highlights would be by traversing the 114km long coastal road, stopping along the way to visit a variety of “must see sights.” Sights, that in retrospect, only existed due to the lack of any suitable alternative. For example:  

• Marae Arahurahu ("Famous" Historic Sight) – A single Tiki statue, situated adjacent to an open-air temple --a square-shaped stack of volcanic rocks, approximately 8-9 feet high. Awe-inspiring Rating = 2/10. Internet Peoples 1, Skones 0.

 

• Grottes de Mara’a ("Famous" Cave) – An unexplorable cave, that can only be viewed from a distance, due to the presence of rock falls. So, essentially, a hole in a wall that you can look at. Awe-inspiring Rate = 0/10. Internet Peoples 2. Skones 0. (But on a positive note, there was plenty of parking!).

 

• Taharuu Beach ("Famous" Black Sand Beach) - I would call the sand more of a light ashy charcoal, to be perfectly honest. Awe-inspiring Rating = 5/10 (i.e. pretty scenic, but French Polynesian scenic? I think not good sir!). Internet Peoples 3. Skones 0. 

 

• Fa’aruma’i Waterfall ("Famous" Falling Bit of Water) – An impressive 262-foot waterfall, cascading down a lush green mountainscape. It’s nearby “sister” falls, unfortunately closed, due to what is now becoming the theme of our day: Rock falls. Awe-inspiring Rating = 8/10. Internet Peoples 3. Skones 1 (you did it Tahiti, you did it!)

 

• Arahoho ("Famous" Blowhole) – Only our imaginations could assist us in visualizing this "famous" site, as, akin to everyting else on this island, the blowhole was... (can you guess?)... closed due to rock falls. But at least we were able to hear an ever-so-faint “whoosh” every 20-30 seconds. Which I guess is kinda cool? Awe-inspiring Rating = 1/10 (primarily due to imaginative abilities). Internet Peoples 4. Skones 1. Ugh.

 
The Foodie Scene – The one area from which Tahiti has survived the scathing of the internet’s wrath, was that of cuisine. Local, delectable, fresh-as-the-prince-of-Bel-Air, cuisine. From food truck Poke, to Michelin-level restaurants with names such as L'O à La Bouche (translation = fancy ass fanciness), the cuisine of Tahiti did not disappoint. Nor did the final bills – Which, when you consider that both taxes & tips are entirely non-existent. Well, that just re-queues this song right back up  

As I sit here, reflecting on our short-but-probably-long-enough time spent in Tahiti, I have a few final thoughts to share:

1. Internet, I apologize. I shall never doubt thee again. At least on all things non-culinary.
2. Actually, I take back my recent apology. We are not flying all the way to Tahiti and then simply leaving. We are explorers. The 21st century Magellans if you will. Sure we travel with slightly more privilege than the plague and rat-infested ships of the 15th century. But nevertheless, we are here to see. Even if there isn’t much to be, well, seen.
3. For those of you still focused on Henry Cavill’s chiseled jawline, I get it. It’s impressive.

Onto the pics:

Next Stop: Moorea