Bora Bora: When Sleeping On Land Just Doesn’t Suffice

After a sad farewell to the geological wonder that is the island of Moorea, we boarded our over-priced-yet-better-than-the-6-1/2-hour-vomit-inducing-alternative, choosing air over sea, en route to the final and most anticipated destination of our French Polynesian adventure: Bora Bora.

While seemingly just a tiny speck of coral in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Bora Bora found fame during a very unlikely time for leisure-based travel: World War II. Strategically located between the Panama Canal and Australia (checks map, confirms), Bora Bora was carefully chosen as the temporary residence for over 7,000 of the luckiest soldiers in the history of man-made conflict. Soldiers who saw not a glimpse of “action,” and instead, spent four conflict-free / paradise-heavy years on one of the most scenic places on Earth. On a related note, Battle of the Bulge participants would like to officially release the following statement: "WTF"

Now, what truly sets Bora Bora apart from the hundreds of thousands of “water-surrounded landmasses” around the world (aside from the fun-to-say name), is its unique 3-layered composition (think German Chocolate Cake – But more geologically/volcanically-inspired. Also much more French. And in actuality, not really cake-like whatsoever. So all-in-all, an absolutely horrible analogy with which I refuse to part ways at this phase of the editing process):

• Motus (Outer Layer / “Frosting aka The Best Part”) – Technically defined as a “tiny ass strip of land,” the dozens of motus which surround Bora Bora protect the “mainland” from the wrath that is the untamed Pacific Ocean. The motus also happen to encompass dozens of luxury 5-star resorts, hundreds of overwater bungalows, and of course, a plethora of 1%ers living up that 1%er life. #ummmyoudonthaveoatmilk?

 

• The Lagoon (Middle Layer / “The Kinda Dry Part That Kids Never Eat Unless There Is Frosting Still Attached”) – Residing within the protective borders of the motus is a ChatGPT-estimated 200 billion gallons of water. Encompassing every shade of blue known to man (i.e. light blue --> dark blue), the lagoon also is home to hundreds of underwater species, most notably, the infamous “debarbed sting ray” – A Steve-Irwin-inspired creation (too soon?), that involves the manual removal of the rays “life ceaser” when said ray happens to find itself in a location frequented by tourists. Not a joke. And instead, much more, this. 

 

• Mount Otemanu (Bottom...? Layer / “The Really Dry Partially-Burnt Part”) – Finally, in the middle of it all (again, I told you the cake analogy was not my finest), dominating the skyline as it reaches 2,400 feet into the picturesque heavens above, is Mount Otemanu -- The official backdrop for every travel brochure, pamphlet and of course, influencers profile photo. And also, the reason why some rooms cost $500/night (i.e. no view of mountain), and others $5,000 (i.e. yes view of mountain).

Now, while I would love to continue down this sarcastically-toned Wikipedia-esque synopsis of all things Bora Bora, it seems appropriate to segue into our own personal experience visiting this renowned tourist destination. A place so stunning, so astonishing, so remote, it could only lead to one natural inevitability. One forgone eventuality, that not only keeps this island, if I dare utilize the rarely-but-often-appreciated “dad pun” – Afloat -- But also sets it in a class all on its own.  

Money.

Moolah.

Deeeeen-err-oh (the non-Robert kind).

And not just “I got my year-end bonus” money. No, Bora Bora is Jerry Maguire Money. And with that, its own financially-motivated segment of the tourism industry that has no bounds, limits, and especially, no receipts.

With that being said, I dutifully present to you, oh patient reader:
 
The Not Another Damn Travel Blog Guide to Fancy Ass Pants Travel – The Bora Bora Edition:
 
(WARNING: The below events and depictions in no way reflect what sort of people we personify. We still partake in coupon cutting, public transportation and of course, everyone's favorite, the "borrowing" of our parents cable TV login details. Cause come on, I'm not paying for that sh*t)
 
The Travel Stuff:

• Puddle Jumpers (i.e. small airplanes) – Ten times the cost of the alternative. Ten times faster. And most importantly, ten times less motion-induced vomiting. Fancy Pants Rating (FPR) = 7/10

 

• Private Airport Transfer – Sure there are absolutely no alternatives to transporting oneself off the tiny motu on which Bora Bora’s airport is (in)conveniently located (unless you love capitalism, in which case, it’s the best!). BUT, for a mere $75… per person... per ride, you get a 20-minute speedboat directly to your resort. AND, in the event you were worried this wasn’t a reasonable transaction of business, a “complimentary” floral Lei should help to quell any further financial concerns. Bargain city, here we come! FPR = 9/10

 
The Resort Stuff:

• Overwater Bungalow – The primary impetus for our visit to this spot on the globe (unless you are a member of the Flat Earth Society, in which case, this spot on the… floating… ummmm… table top? Pancake? Honestly, what the hell do you guys call it?), the non-land-based accommodation in Bora Bora is what makes Bora Bora, so, well, Bora Bora. Sure they make no sense from an architectural standpoint, as relentless wind + exposure to salt water requires a near rebuild every 4-5 years. But they do make one hell of a backdrop for your local travel agents poster. Maybe not as good as this one, but pretty damn close. Anyhow, can’t wait to move back to La Quinta’s in the spring! FPR = 10/10

 

• The “Cheers Effect” – Just like the bar, but in this case, every staff member at the resort not only knows your name, but your hopes, dreams & most importantly, flipper size. From the worker at the front desk, feigning patience while you ask, for the 3rd day in a row, for an “upgrade” to the “already-upgraded” overwater bungalow. To the host at the restaurant, inquiring with impeccable pronunciation -- "Will you be joining your wife this morning Mr Sauce-Coal-Knee.” To the gift shop worker, informing you, before you even have a chance to ask, of the unfortunate unavailability of all 12” inseam cargo shorts. I don’t know how they did it, but it was incredible. FPR = 11/10

 

• Personal Butler – Your very own Andrea Sachs. But in this case, ours was less Anne Hathaway-esque, and more of the 7’2” Parisian male variety (with a fashion sense that leaned toward “hotel-oriented-dress-code”). Known only as Julien, our personal butler was our designated contact for, well, anything. Need to schedule an island excursion? Ask Julien. Want to make a last minute dinner reservation? Ask Julien. Book a seat on Elon Musk's initial expedition to Mars? You know the answer. Ask the man, the myth, the neck-strain-inducing legend, Julien. FPR = 12/10

 

• “The Number 9” – If Julien does not happen to be within earshot, then your hopes & dreams can still be fulfilled, this time by dialing 9 on your bungalows land line (ironically a thing, when staying over the water, and not, ya know, land). No matter what the time, what the need, “just dial 9.” (yes, this is an actual saying there). An extra pillow? Some snacks or maybe a cold local beer? Hell, what about a bottle of aloe for which you will be passively-aggressively reminded of the complimentary bottle of sunscreen? All you need to do, is dial 9. 867-530…9. FPR = 9/10 (only because the time lady used to be a thing)

 

• Resort Transportation – Don’t feel like making the ½ mile trek from your bungalow to the resort pool? Want to keep those feet un-disturbed/un-calloused? Then, feel free to utilize the complimentary bicycles provided with your accommodation. Not a fan of bikes? Or maybe don't want to succumb your legs to any semblance of physical movement? Well then, consider one of the many golf carts zipping around the motu. Does sitting even seem like too much effort for your lazy pretentious ass? I mean, this is paradise. Not to worry, rumor has it, Julien is a huge fan of giving piggy back rides. Just don't forget to tip! FPR = 9/10.

 

• Lagoonarium – Why bother traveling 5-10 minutes by boat to the “regular” ocean, when you can merely stroll over to the resort’s very own, private lagoon. Stocked with thousands of well-fed fish, turtles and even a handful of life-preserver-sporting snorkelers, all regretting the fact they never learned to swim in childhood. FPR = 9/10

 
The Other Stuff:

• Meals – While the culinary options are limitless, the actual options are, well, limited:

 
Option #1 (Primary) = Eat at one of the 4 over-priced resort-run restaurants
Option #2 (Alternative) = Do not eat
Option #3 (Dumb) = Pay $300 in round-trip water taxi fees to eat at one of the “main land” restaurants -- Where entrees cost a mere $50-75 per person.  
 
On a related note, we would personally like to take this opportunity to highly recommend partaking in a once-in-a-lifetime tasting menu at “The Lagoon Restaurant.” Run by the renowned French chef, Nathan Barone, visitors are able to experience just a sampling of the bold culinary decisions that has brought Chef Barone fame and recognition worldwide. From the delectable "amuse-bouche of the sea" starter course, to a garden interlude of vibrant & locally-sourced produce, the true “piece de resistance” is the Chef's signature entree: An overcooked piece of chicken (uniquely described as “local farm-raised poultry”). Mon Dieu! Que Magnifique! FPR = Walmart Frozen Food Aisle/10

• Activities – While we opted for the budget-friendly ½ day shared-with-other-peasants lagoon tour (~$160/person), other more FPR options included: Jet Ski Tour ($330/person), 1-Hour Photoshoot ($750), Private Wine Tasting ($1,000), Private Helicopter Flight to Remote Island ($2,950) ,and least but definitely not least, Private Yacht Excursion to Nearby Island ($6,210). We’ll take two of each please! FPR = All the Points / 10  

 
And finally, before we commence, I want you to close your eyes, as I attempt to recreate our favorite moment in Bora Bora (NOTE: opening of eyes may be required to continue with below exercise):

Imagine yourself in paradise. Laying on a cloud of feathered pillows, wind whistling through your hair, as the waves of the ocean crash beneath your feet. Your partner (we are a woke blog), such a caring and selfless partner, attempts to close the louvered doors to your bedroom, as a way of letting you rest, just a bit longer. In peaceful paradise. So kind. So caring. So generous. Their loves knows no bounds, and thus, are willing to completely dislodge the doors from their channeled grooves, in order for you to sleep. Just a bit longer. Even if said dislodging, causes just the slightest hint of a faint noise, you are at peace, here in paradise. So kind. So thoughtful. So giving.
 
Onto the pics: