Paris: No Soup For You!

9/30/2024

With only 2 nights remaining until our return back to the States, we officially focused our sights on the final destination of our 14-day journey. A destination, which in hindsight, we probably would have avoided at all costs, knowing that it would be an absolute “f*ck of all clusters” to visit during our travel date window. However, at the time of booking our flight, over 6 months prior, we were completely oblivious to the fact that we would be departing Europe from the same location which would soon play host to over 11.3 million visitors in a period of just three weeks.

(And to be completely honest, if we had known, we probably wouldn’t have changed a thing, since we somehow managed to find a $300/person direct flight from Paris to Detroit, in the midst of the busiest European travel season in history. The only way I’m NOT taking advantage of that is if it's a Spirit-operated flight, on a "hidden exit door" Boeing airplane, connecting overnight in Pyongyang, full of Karens)

Now, while we definitely aren’t strangers to adventuring during peak travel season (it’s unfortunately unavoidable when you are confined to this damn school calendar), we had yet to experience a city, known for tourism, essentially shut itself off to exactly that. Dozens of major sights, closed to the general public. Hundred of miles of fencing, unnecessarily emphasizing the prior point. Thousands of beret-adorned police officers, promoting awareness of said fencing. And of course, millions of visitors, collectively doing this.

That was our experience in what is commonly known as the City of Lights, or for those Hallmark Movie of the Week fans out there, the City of Love. But to us, Paris, France, was solely the City of the 2024 Summer Olympics. And for all-intensive purposes, not the City for us.

Let me explain.

Actually, better yet, instead of having a good ole fashioned grumble grumble session, let’s take the opportunity to create the “tourism pamphlet” which Paris SHOULD HAVE created for their Olympic festivities. One that would have thoroughly prepared 11.2 million disappointed visitors (i.e. the non 1 %ers that is), who were left in a state of complete limbo upon arrival. As no amount of pre-trip research (and trust me, it’s one of my non-excel-based fortes), could have prepared anyone for what “feet on the ground” would actually be like.

And thus, I present:

The Official Guide to Visiting Paris During the 2024 Olympics:

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are able to afford a $2,000/night hotel room at the foot of the Eiffel Tower, congratulations! You officially qualify as a master of capitalism! And are free to visit the City of Lights, without being bothered by all those pesky "non-financially-savvy" individuals who were all-but-guaranteed to ruin your unforgettable Parisian experience!

IMPORTANT NOTE (Contd): If you do not fall into the above category (i.e. generational wealth, finance douche and/or tech bro), yet still want to enjoy the amazing sights & sounds of Paris, please follow the below instructions:

In order to bypass the endless miles of chain-linked fences erected across the city, simply complete an online application to obtain a QR code, and we promise, pinky-swear promise, you'll be able to "see things."
Wait a short period of time (anywhere from 24 hours to 3 months) for an update on the status of your application.
If you happen to receive a rejection notice, despite following all the instructions in your QR code application, please re-read those pesky terms & conditions, and you will see that you never stood a chance. Sorry you used up your life savings in the meantime!
Do not dismay! There are plenty of things to see in Paris, despite 95% of the major sights being officially closed off to those of your "class level." Have you considered a neighborhood park where all the homeless people have been relocated to? Or even a view of the Eiffel Tower from 2-3 miles away? We're so happy your children won't go to college now that you decided to visit us!
That’s it. Sorry not sorry!

Frequently Asked Questions:

What is the best way to travel to Paris? - We have partnered with all major airlines, to ensure all flights to/from Paris are overbooked, overpriced & most likely delayed due to enhanced security measures. If you prefer to avoid any flight-based complications, you are also welcome to take a 3-6 week ship across the Atlantic Ocean. Don’t forget the Dramamine!
What if I’m already in Europe? Ah yes, trying to fly somewhere cheaper “nearby” and then take a train over? Not to worry! We have also ensured all trains are overbooked, overpriced & delayed as well. #capalismforthewin
All hotels appear to be sold out. Where else can I stay? Why not take advantage of one of the thousands of overpriced Airbnbs, all of which were converted from actual homes 24 hours previously. Sure the “host” may have forgotten to take out the trash, leave towels, or even change the bedsheets, BUT, at least you now get to live like a local Parisian!
How do I get around once I’m in Paris? - Do not fret! While most major metro stations have been closed since June, we are happy to announce, for those that still wish to utilize the "underground," we have decided to DOUBLE the standard fare, to $4 per one-way ride. Alternate forms of transportation are available (i.e. Taxi, Uber), however, we strongly discourage these due to the fact that we have closed off most roads. Looks like you're walking 10 miles today! Hope you don't have young children with you!
I assume you’ve partnered with Google Maps though, to provide awareness to road or metro station closures? Nope, but that’s an excellent idea for next time!
OK... well, I’d love to take advantage of the world-famous Parisian culinary scene. Do you have any recommendations? – Well, if you didn't make a dinner reservation back in 2023, that was just silly of you! However, there are plenty of restaurants with a Yelp rating of 2.5 stars that are beyond excited for your patronage! And have plenty of 4:30PM and 10:30PM seatings still available!
What if I need more information? - Feel free to ask any of the 35,000+ police officers strategically located across the city, and they will definitely steer you in a direction. Maybe not the right one, but for sure, a general direction will be provided.
I’m feeling a bit frustrated… Don't be! Just think how awesome this will look on TV?! Which we recommend doing, if you truly want to see anything in our great city!
But wait! I followed all your instructions, made a dinner reservation at the Eiffel Tower, but still can’t get past the security gates. What did I do wrong? Should have read that fine print buddy!
Fine print? Yup – All QR Code applications are pending an in-depth background check. And for you, we found some “questionable” photos on your Facebook page. Probably should have avoided posting that album back in 2002 of getting drunk at Scorekeepers.
For real? Nah. But that’s what our lawyers told us say. To be completely honest, you need to be WAY richer to even consider enjoying Paris during the Olympics. Better luck in 2028! I’m sure you won’t encounter of these issues in a modest down-to-earth city like Los Angeles!