Departing from the vertically-enhanced city of Amsterdam, we boarded our first European long-distance train, destined for the never-before-visited ancestral homeland of my dearest wife, Julie Lebensabschnittsgefährte Moehlig. With a plethora of potential Deutschland-based destinations from which to choose, we strayed from the more well-known Berlins & Munichs, opting instead for the small & charming city of Cochem -- A town of only 5,000 inhabitants, located along the picturesque, and retirement-inspiring Moselle River. Now, as Cochem is most commonly visited by those counting down their final hospice-free days on the infamously-popular Viking River Cruises, we opted for a less geriatric means of transportation, renting a slightly-used Dacia (?) from the nearby city of Cologne – The surprising birthplace for generations of pleasantly-smelling-but-slightly-machismo men. Despite a minor hiccup upon arrival (i.e. Europcar office at train station deciding that 3:30PM is a normal time to close… on a weekday), we were off for 3 nights in what, looking back, I can only equate to a town designed by the exact person responsible for the Germany Pavilion at the Epcot World Showcase. Flower-adorned buildings, constructed in the most quintessential German architectural style (i.e. an unnecessary amount of wood accenting). Every sign, notice & other means of written communication, all transcribed in the same classic German cursive font. Beer gardens, flowing with over-sized glasses of golden nectar (i.e. a needless way to promote one’s thesaurus skills when describing beer). All of which, set beneath the looming shadows of a hill-top castle, towering above the horizon. So basically, the quaintest darn town you’ve ever seen. (On a more tangential note, while we did enjoy our time in Cochem, I do wish we had visited a more well-known destination. As each and everytime someone would inquire on the location of our travels, we would be forced to mention “London, Amsterdam, a small town in Germany you probably have never heard of, Bruges & Paris.” First-world problem? For sure. But a problem nonetheless) I digress, onto the highlights: Cochem (The Town) – Despite bringing the average age of Cochem down to a more-reasonable figure of 78, it was hard not to enjoy the “downtime” we experienced in a village best explored with two hands clasped behinds one’s back, traveling at a speed so slow, one would think time itself had come to a halt. Which, to be honest, is probably not too far away for most of the 5,000 residents of the German equivalent of Sandpiper Crossing. (Sincere apologies to my blog followers in the “above-the-age-of-70” category) The Castles – Apparently if you were born prior to the industrial age, and happened to have a bit of “family money,” the only way to spend said “dough” was on a home that literally defined the phrase “over the top.” Countless rooms, each dedicated to their own pre-WiFi/pre-TV function (my favorite of which, being of course, the toilet room -- aka, an empty room with a hole in the floor). Priceless works of art, scattered throughout the endless damp and plague-infested halls. Enough 1,000 pound doors to require your own on-retainer hinge maker. And yet, they still had to wipe their asses with corn cobs. Oh the irony. Luxembourg “Day Trip” – When you are 90 minutes away from another country, one that you quite possibly will never visit in your lifetime, you go to that country. And spend 5 minutes admiring the tiny portion that you found on Google Maps. After which, you head back to your still-sleeping-because-its-6:30AM-family. #checklisttraveler Now, since this particular post has been a bit of a struggle to compose, I felt we could spice things up a bit, by adding a fun “lowlight” section to the mix. Cause, let’s be honest, it’s Germany: The Emotionless German – Imagine walking down a road, completely naked, food stuck in your teeth, while riding a unicycle. And that, would be how 99.9% of the Germans we encountered viewed us during our 2-days/3-nights in Cochem. Staring at our family, in a state of utter confusion. Yet, a confusion that lacked emotion, feeling or any semblance of, well, anything. It was weird. We did not enjoy this aspect. What I would have done for a simple head nod. Or to be completely honest, even an overly-aggressive creepy Italian guy would have sufficed. The Food – While failing to produce any semblance of an emotional repertoire, it does appear that Germany also apparently whiffed when coming up with its own culinary identity. With neighbors such as France & Italy literally owning the Michelin Guide to Restaurants & Equally High-Quality Tire Shops, Germany decided that Bratwurst and Potato Salad would be their path to worldly accolades? I guess the automobile truly encapsulated their entire focus. Our Airbnb – After several, less-than-ideal Airbnbs in both London and Amsterdam, we opted for a slightly higher-quality means of accommodation (i.e. not the 2nd cheapest place available). Which, despite appearing very nice, was a little lacking in the “attention-to-detail” department:
Despite the various highlights (and lowlights), the most memorable part of our visit, was by far the German castle tour guide, attempting to over-simplify the world’s reaction to Germany’s attempt, to, well, take it over. “During the war, the Allies believed Cochem to be home to a weapons plant manufacturer. And thus, destroyed about 60% of the city. Even though no weapons were even manufactured here. Thus, they bombed the city for no reason whatsoever. So silly. Why bomb the city for no reason?” I’m pretty sure there were a few reasons. Onto the pics: Next Stop: Bruges
1 Comment
Esmé
8/12/2024 11:15:44 pm
I'm having second thoughts about our upcoming Viking cruise! 🤣
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