Bruges: Well Aren't You Just Charming as Hell?

8/26/2024

After another uneventful, UNO-filled voyage across what are essentially “cultural borders,” the 3-hour train ride from Cologne, Germany brought us to the capital of the neighboring (and slightly more personable) country of Belgium -- Brussels. Or, if you happen to be an avid fan of geopolitical conventions, the headquarters to them all:

United Nations (UN) – Maintains peace. Unless it can’t. In which case, promotes the color turquoise
European Union (EU) – Everyone’s favorite “if Trump gets elected” passport alternative
North Atlantic Trade Organization (NATO) – Not be confused with the North Atlantic Current, whose flow could have dire consequences on the future of humanity. At least according to Dennis Quaid
World Health Organization (WHO) – Pretty much that place everyone blames for over-hyping a pandemic, before dying of said pandemic. Also, very popular in monkey-based virus outbreak films.

Now, since our short “train layover” did not involve promoting peace, equality or consistent ocean currents, we instead opted to spend the few hours we had in Brussels on a quick “walking tour” of the main sights. From peeing statues to historical squares. Centuries-old churches to even older museum-based relics. And of course, on every single corner, of every single cobble-stone-paved road, a waffle shop. Taunting, tempting and toying with our children’s recently developed, crack-like addiction to sugar. So, all-in-all, a very solid introduction to the ensuing destination on our itinerary, 30 minutes to the north, in the city of Bruges.

As the capital of West Flanders (i.e. which disappointedly lacks any Leftorium shops), Bruges is home to just over 100,000 people, spread throughout one of the few cities virtually untouched by the effects of warfare during the 1940s. But not, as we soon learned, untouched by tourism. With over 8 million visitors (plus the four of us) visiting each year, the quiet streets and narrow alleyways of this delightful city, essentially turn into a clusterf*ck of clusterf*ckness (trademark pending). Coffee shops without an open table in sight. Hotel vacancies occurring only in the dead of winter. Sidewalks officially re-designated as "selfie zones." But why, you may ask, is such a small town, such a prominent “pin” on the notorious travel map?

Firstly, thank you for the helpful segue!

Secondly, while Bruges has always had a place in the heart of Rick Steves and other I-actually-get-paid-to-write-about-travel authors (deep sigh), it didn’t gain notoriety until 2008, when the namesake film “In Bruges” was released to the delight of film goers worldwide, and the absolute horror of those who called Bruges their home. Depicting this centuries old city as essentially a “hellish delight of charm,” our personal experience could not have more accruately reflected this depiction. Flower-adorned canals, colorful architecture, luscious green parks. It’s as if Bob Ross hacked the Sim City code, and built a fairytale land made solely out of rainbows and sunshine.

Or in other words, charming as hell.

Onto the highlights:

Walking Tour – What better way to explore a walkable city, then by utilizing those two more ground-friendly arms, attached to your torso? With the majority of historical sights located in what essentially is a 15-20 minute radius, we easily reconnoitered (yay thesaurus!) what felt like a more Belgian version of Amsterdam (i.e. canals near a waffle shop, canal-based houses above a waffle shop, canal-focused tours passing by a waffle shop). But of course, with a much more pronounced Zara store vibe. Cause, ya know, gotta maintain that upscale charisma factor!

Bicycle Rental – When the legs of our smaller companions could no longer be bribed into continuation, we opted for the 3rd bicycle rental of our trip, in hopes of exploring a bit outside the overly-adorned city center. Unfortunately, with the infamous dutch “bucket bike” unavailable for hire, and our 7-year-old child still working on that whole “bike confidence” thing, we were stuck with rear-mounted seats (and the slight issue of a 25-lb weight limit). Which, when your children weigh 33 & 42 lbs alike, well, it definitely makes for quite the riding/balancing act.

Belgian Consumables – Famous for its chocolate, beer & waffles, Belgium is quite possibly the worst place to visit for those seeking out a kale-based diet. For us, however, it was an exercise in “timed imbibing.” Just think Hunger Games, but in the part of that dystopian world that wasn’t hungry at all. Sorry Katniss!

Canal Tour – I mean, we already walked, biked and even trained our way in. Boat was the only natural means of transportation in our movement-based progression (since Julie refused to let me bring my jetpack). #dadjokes4all

Ghent Day Trip – Having explored 99% of Bruges in less than a day, we opted to spend our 2nd day in the region, visiting the nearby “Ann Arbor of Belgium”: Ghent. Home to the aptly-named “Ghent University,” this more “blue collar” city was a great break from the nauseating and revolting charm emanating from every brick and "historically-designated" stone in the town of Bruges. And even offered a couple sub-highlights as well (which of course, the "basic" version of Weebly doesn't allow me to format in appropriate "sub-bullet" format):

Belgium National Day – Just like the 4th of July in America. But surprisingly, not celebrated on the actual 4th, of July. Weird.

Street Bathrooms – While the majority of the 50,000 students at Ghent University opt to relieve themselves (either from the bottom hole, or the top one) on the streets of the city, those looking for a bit more privacy (but without any privacy whatsoever), opt for these. Time to test out that performance anxiety!

Gravensteen Castle – Winner of “best-named castle” for 800 years running. And also home to a free audio tour, voiced by an extremely talkative, and very longwinded, Belgian comedian. We laughed, we cried, we mainly waited for the ding so we could move onto the next section of the tour.

Onto the pics: