Amsterdam: The PG-13 Version Ain't Too Shabby

8/5/2024

With a reputation for sex, drugs & any other vice one could envision in a post-sex/drug-induced state, Amsterdam has been on the bucket list of every Glenn Quagmire-esque tourist for decades. Entire neighborhoods dedicated to legalized prostitution. Cannabis shops (aka "coffee shops") on every other corner. Shifty-eyed pick-pockets preying on those who do not appreciate the long-term possession of their valuables. And of course, "underground theaters," where you can literally watch another couple "bumps uglies" in all their glory. Based on this alone, one could come to the conclusion that Amsterdam probably isn't the best place to which to travel with a family of young, relatively-innocent, children.

However, thanks to a recent campaign to help restore Amsterdam to its original reputation as the "The Venice of The North," this Dutch city of over 900K people (as well as the equivalent number of requisite bicycles), has started to clean-up its "worldly" standing, primary by promoting itself as a destination for those seeking arts, culture & a wide selection of non-sexually-focused entertainment (e.g. visiting a theater with more "clothed" performers). And in doing so, has more or less declared the city off-limits to an entire population of those that still live in their parents basement, looking for an excuse to re-enact The Purge every other weekend (No offense, of course, to millennials -- Y'all just picked a terrible time to be born).

Now, aside from its previously-discussed "seedy" reputation, Amsterdam, as well as the entirety of the Netherlands, is known for possessing a populace of "great stature." A fun fact for our family, who's vertical limits will most likely never surpass the 5'6" mark (which, for what its worth, would've been quite tall if we were born in the 18th century... or according to the previously-linked URL, lived in Timor-Leste. We'd be giants I tell you, Timorian giants!!). Unfortunately, this is 2024, and well, we definitely did not pick a destination "compatible" with our vertical deficiencies. For example:

Public Bathrooms - The majority of urinals in public bathrooms tend to be placed at a height above the required "drip level" to catch, well, drips. Definitely can't forget those orthopedic shoes for our next visit!
Kid's Museum - Almost the entirety of the children's museum we visited required a "levitation aid" in order to reach, well, anything. Which for a parent, hoping for a semi-autonomous afternoon, is not the most ideal discovery upon which to stumble. I guess designate me "Official Lifter of Child" for the next 2-3 hours?
Bicycles - Even with the saddle placed at the LOWEST level, bicycles in Amsterdam were still at a height unobtainable to physically "board" for those of non-Dutch heritage. An extra-large kids bike it is!
Bar Stools - More like "sittable ladders" to be completely honest

Despite the struggles we encountered as it related to our lower-than-average center of gravity, our 4 days in Amsterdam were filled with unique & entertaining activities, amazing arts & architecture, and some of the most delicious pancakes Betty Crocker could ever hope to put out onto the shelves of your local Albert Heijn (aw yeah local Amsterdam reference for the one person who might possibly get it). Honestly, we were all pleasantly surprised by, well, how pleasant Amsterdam truly was. Consider it officially add to the list of places to which we can relocate in the event of the next civil war.

Onto the highlights of our visit:

Bakfiet Bicycle Ride in Vondelpark - Also known as a "container" or "bucket" bike, my first foray in transporting our children around, in what essentially is a giant 2-wheeled wooden clog, was an exercise in balance, more balance and avoiding a myriad of obstacles placed within my path (damn you retractable dog leashes!). Luckily, I was armed with quite the boost of confidence from two very-reliable sources:

Julie, each and everytime she uttered a partially-muted scream when our Bakfiet started to tilt a bit too close to the ground (aka, tip over)
Airbnb Owner, upon hearing of our plans, inquiring as to whether I have passed the Dutch pre-requisite of being a "professional" bicycle rider. Which, obviously was answered with a definitive "yes." It's the 4th most popular occupation in Austin, TX these days!

Rijksmuseum - The official national museum of the Netherlands, dedicated to Dutch arts & history, the Rijksmuseum is known for comprising priceless works of art from the likes of Rembrandt, Van Gogh and Vermeer (aka, "not Rembrandt or Van Gogh"). For our family of four however, this was our first opportunity to introduce the boys into a reality relatively unknown to their generation: Boredom. Unfortunately, our experiment was never meant to be, as the museum provided its "young visitors" with a tablet-based scavenger hunt. Which not only fulfilled the boys unceasing desire for screen-time, but also conveniently included all the "must-see" works of art in the museum. That my friends, is what you call, a win win.

Geitenboerderij Ridammerhoeve (aka "goat farm" in impossible-to-pronounce form) - Apparently children in the Netherlands are avid fans of petting zoos, with the goat representing the "animal of choice" amongst most farm-visiting circles (i.e. goat goat, not Simone Biles-type goat). To the point, where the specific goat farm we visited had a credit-card-operated dispenser of warm milk, used to fill bottles for the feeding of the "Kids" (kids in the baby goat sense, not the Simone Biles-sized children sense). These Dutch do not mess around with their goat feedings. Nor I with my Olympic references.

Anne Frank House - My conscience prevents me from any sarcastic quips in this section. Thus, I will say, very memorable. Incredibly sad. Need to go watch some Inglorious Bastards for a quick pick-me-up.

Pancakes - While it seems counter-intuitive that flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, milk, eggs, and butter (yes, I had to look it up), can create such an insanely-delicious concoction, yet the Dutch have truly mastered the art of the pancake (just like Sun Tzu's famous novel, but much much tastier... AND covered with powdered sugar).

Zaanse Schans - There comes a point in every trip to the Netherlands, where the inevitable question of "Where do I find a traditional Dutch village" is met with the answer of "in the most touristy place one could ever envision." And that my friends, is Zaanse Schans (pronounced moreorless how it's spelled, I think? Our struggles with Dutch pronunciation was fairly endless). Now, more of an "ode to influencers" than an actual slice of traditional Holland, the village in itself is akin to the infamously-popular-with-rock-candy-enthusiasts Greenfield Village. In that it feels as if it has been constructed entirely for the purpose of tourism (with of course, all the Model T's being replaced with windmills & clog-makers). And the number of visitors taking endless selfies, well, endless. But hey, when in Rome, right?

Nemo Science Museum - With Julie exploring the Van Gogh Museum (thanks to her incredibly-thoughtful and debatably-handsome husband), myself and the boys visited the world-renowned Nemo Science Museum (aka "The Amsterdam Museum for Kids Who Are Sick of Art"). Similar to the US-based versions (e.g. Hands-On Museum, Thinkery), this particular "infant institution" went above-and-beyond with 6 floors worth of exhibits (including a roof-top splash pad!). And left such a lasting impression, I honestly have nothing sarcastic to say in regard to our visit. It was just, awesome. Well done Amsterdam. Well done.

Canal Tour - Comprising over 165 canals measuring approximately 62 miles in length, what better way to explore the city of Amsterdam then from 2-3 feet below the street level? Immersed in a world of houseboats, tour boats, and a handful of previously-parked cars with failed parking brakes.

Onto the pics: